Parental Alienation – what it is and what to do

“Love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage” – happily ever after is not happening as much as it used to. The fairytale – for many South Africans – seems to be anything but.

It’s a sad reality but divorce seems to be on the cards for many couples nowadays. In fact, according to Stats Sa (report released on 14 March 2024) there has been a notable uptick in the rate of divorce in South Africa.

The 2022 statistical release, which was based on the processing of 20,196 completed divorces, shows an increase of 10.9% or 1,988 cases from the 18,208 divorces recorded in 2021. This increase is part of a broader trend observed from 2013 to 2017, where the total number of divorces rose. It’s fair to say then that since 2013, the number of divorces has been steadily increasing (bar 2018 when the divorce rate petered). Notably, in 2022, there were 193 divorces granted among same-sex couples.

Out of the 20,196 divorces there were more wives (55.8%) than husbands (33.2%) who initiated divorce proceedings in 2022. Women have seemingly taken their power back – which we both acknowledge and celebrate, especially during Women’s month.

But the significant figure – in our opinion – is that of children that were (and are) caught in a difficult situation in divorce proceedings. According to Stats SA, 55.3% of divorces in 2022 had children younger than 18 years old, affecting a total of 18,850 children.

And it’s these children that take centre stage in our article.

Because when they’re stuck between a rock and a hard place, parents can sometimes forget that their words, their opinions, their attitudes can have a profound effect on their children –causing harm long into adulthood.

What is parental alienation?

During divorce proceedings the question of which parent a minor child will live with is often in dispute. The custody of a child or children is often a burning topic during divorces with a couple fighting vehemently back and forth. Often the back-and-forth fighting would cause a divide between the child and the non-custodial parent. In extreme cases a child would manifest unjustified hostility towards one parent as the result of psychological manipulation by the other.

This brings us to the term parental alienation.

Parental Alienation occurs when one parent belittles, criticises and attacks (the “Alienating Parent”) the other parent (the “Target Parent”) in the presence of the minor child, leading to – ultimately – the involvement of the minor child in the conversation. It’s an attempt by the Alienating Parent to remove the Target Parent from the child or children’s lives and thereafter make it appear as if it’s the child or children who have chosen to have nothing to do with the Target Parent.

How this is accomplished ranges from the most subtle to the most obvious of strategies. But they all carry the common goal of attempting to eliminate the Target Parent from the child’s life.

Psychiatrist Dr Richard A. Gardner, M. D. defined and described parental alienation syndrome during evaluations that he was doing in the context of child-custody disputes. After working in the field for over 25 years, Gardner began to notice a new disorder, a disorder previously unseen. In this new disorder, he not only saw programming ("brainwashing") of the child by one parent to denigrate the other, but also self-created contributions by the child in support of the alienating parent’s campaign of defamation against the alienated parent. Because of the child’s contribution he didn’t consider the terms brainwashing, programming, or other equivalent words to be sufficient. Because of this he provided the following definition of parental alienation syndrome –

“The parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a childhood disorder that arises almost exclusively in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child’s campaign of defamation against a good, loving parent—a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent’s indoctrinations and the child’s own contributions to the vilification of the target parent. When true parental abuse and/or neglect is present, the child’s animosity may be justified and so the parental alienation syndrome explanation for the child’s hostility is not applicable.”

What Gardner found was that the Alienating Parent “programmed” into the child’s brain circuitry ideas and attitudes that are directly contradictory to the child’s own previous experiences. In addition, PAS children add their own scenarios to the campaign of defamation, from the recognition that their complementary contributions are desired by the programmer or Alienating Parent. The child’s contributions are welcomed and reinforced by the programmer, resulting in even further contributions by the child. The result is an upwardly spiralling campaign of defamation.

This phenomenon is referred to as a "positive feedback loop." In mild cases the child is taught to disrespect, disagree with, and even act out antagonistically against the targeted parent. As the disorder progresses from mild to moderate to severe, this antagonism becomes converted and expanded into a campaign of vilification. 

The controversy of parental alienation

In association with this new disorder, Gardner noticed something else that he hadn’t encountered before - a false sex-abuse accusation. As far back as 1957 he saw children, adolescents, and adults who had been sexually abused. Up to the early 1980s, there was little reason to believe that these patients weren’t telling the truth. This was especially the case because their descriptions sounded credible. PAS children, however, provided incredible scenarios of their alleged sexual abuses, some of which were so preposterous that Gardner considered them impossible.

This caused an outcry – children don’t lie. Especially about sex-abuse. What kind of parent would programme their child to lie about such a thing? What a preposterous idea.

To this day Garder’s PAS and false sex-abuse claims carry with them controversy. In the Family Court Report of the California division of the National Organization of Women (NOW) which includes a section specifically devoted to criticism and even denial of the existence of PAS (National Organization for Women, 2002). In the section entitled "Legislative Solutions" the report recommends:

"10. The use of false syndromes (such as PAS) should be made illegal under the Family Code."

California NOW is recommending that legislatures pass laws that make it a crime to use the term PAS. It follows then, that such legislation would have to include the specific punishments to be meted out to those who break this law, e.g., fines or even imprisonment.

In the next section, "Judicial Solutions," the report recommends:

"2. Along with damages suit, sue for declaratory relief, making Parental Alienation Syndrome, mandatory joint custody, mandatory psychological evaluations and mandatory mediation unconstitutional."

South African courts have done very little to recognise parental alienation during divorce proceedings.

How can you identify parental alienation in the Alienating Parent?

There are 4 criteria when identifying parental alienation. These behaviours demonstrated by the Alienating Parent are often predictable and follow an identifiable pattern –

1. Visitation or access blocking by one parent – from passively blocking telephone contact to outright refusal to honour a parenting time schedule.
2. False allegations of abuse or unfit parenting against the Target Parent – from vague to constant criticism of the Target Parents parenting, to the outright often false accusation of physical or sexual abuse.
3. Deterioration in the Target Parent/child relationship since marital separation – ranges from loss of intimate knowledge regarding the child’s life to overt and progressed alienation. 
4. Exaggerated fear reaction on the part of the child at displeasing the Alienating Parent –the child may be fearful of displeasing the Alienating Parent or may be placed in a position of protecting them. 

When these 4 criteria are present, the existence of parental alienation is almost a certainty.

What are the symptoms of parental alienation in children?

It’s important to note that children who are subjected to parental alienation suffer actual harm as a result. The following are a few signs to identify parental alienation in children –

1. Campaign of vilification - refers to the child’s negative campaign against the Targeted Parent. This campaign consists of negative and critical comments about this parent articulated by the child. While these sentiments largely originated from the Alienating Parent, they are translated by and spoken through the child.
2. Weak or frivolous rationalisations for the defamation - refers to the child’s explanation or reasoning as to why they do not wish to have a relationship with the parent. The reasons given are often inadequate.
3. Lack of ambivalence – refers to the child’s absolute absence of positive feeling about the Targeted Parent. This is often expressed as the child’s denial of any positive feeling for the Targeted Parent. This symptom is associated with more severely alienated children.
4. “Independent Thinker” phenomenon - refers to the child’s unsolicited protest that no one influenced them to express what they were saying about the Targeted Parent. It represents the child’s denial that they had been coached.
5. Reflexive support of alienating parent - refers to the child’s unyielding and often reflexive support of the Alienating Parent and their unwavering opposition to any position taken by the Targeted Parent, specifically as they relate to the divorce.
6. Absence of guilt over cruelty and exploitation of Target Parent - refers to the complete lack of empathy for the Target Parent, and the cruelty that this invokes.
7. Presence of borrowed scenarios – refers to the effects of the child having been coached. The unreasonably negative picture of the Targeted Parent is created through distortion and misinformation.
8. Spread of animosity to extended family of alienated parent - refers to the alienation of the child from the Targeted Parent’s own parents – the child’s grandparents – as well as from other extended family members.

What can be done?

While there has been some recognition of parental alienation in some of our high court judgements, parental alienation is poorly understood and rarely acknowledged in our family justice system. Despite there being recognition of the long-term psychological impact on the child, there’s little research into the sense Targeted Parents make of their lives once they have been rejected.

A child’s best interests as contained in the Children’s Act 38 of 2005is paramount in our courts. “Best interest” includes the child being raised in a peaceful and loving environment free from abuse and ill treatment. Parental alienation works in direct contradiction to what is in the best interests of the child.

Therefore, allegations of abuse generally result in the instant pause of direct contact between the Target Parent and the child while the court undertakes fact finding, safeguarding and clinical assessments.

By prioritising the best interests of the child, the South African legal framework aims to protect children and will more often than not promote cooperative co-parenting. It’s at this stage that South African courts have the authority to intervene to protect both the child's well-being and the rights of both parents. Here are some legal remedies that are available -

1. Mediation - mediation is often encouraged to help resolve conflicts. It’s also useful when promoting cooperative co-parenting. Parents, at this stage, should develop a parenting plan that outlines their responsibilities, contact arrangements, and decision-making processes. This will often require overseeing by the mediator.
2. Forensic assessments - if mediation fails or the situation between the child and Target Parent worsens, the court may appoint a professional to conduct a parental capacity evaluation or a comprehensive forensic assessment. The assessment will consider the child's best interests and provide recommendations to the court.
3. Interim orders - in serious situations, the court may issue interim orders to protect the child's well-being, including ordering therapeutic interventions.
4. Contempt of court: if either parent fails to comply with court orders or engages in persistent damaging behaviours, they will be guilty of contempt of court and could face fines, community service, or even imprisonment.

During this entire process, the Target Parent has most likely been prevented from seeing their child or children due to the false allegations of domestic violence against their ex-spouse or partner (the Alienating Parent), false allegations of physical, emotional, sexual, abuse or neglect against their child. As a result, they experience a presumption of guilt and will need to prove their innocence.

Because of the emotional damage suffered by the Target Parent, he/she could proceed with a civil claim of delict - for defamation - against the Alienating Parent due to the harm he/she has suffered at the hands of the Alienating Parent. Of course, the Target Parent would need to prove all the elements of a delict in order to proceed, these (briefly) are –

1. Wrongful conduct – an act or omission that is considered wrong or negligent in nature;
2. Fault - blameworthy conduct or negligence of the party alleged to have caused the harm;
3. Causation - requires establishing a causal link between the wrongful conduct and the damages suffered;
4. Damages - the harm or loss suffered by the Target Parent as a result of the wrongful conduct.

Parental alienation is a complex and emotionally taxing process that has lasting severe and long-term effects on both the child or children and Target Parents. It’s hard to know which way to go. Target Parents are torn between the harm they’re suffering and the need to protect their child or children from the Alienating Parent’s grasp. The truth is both parties need help. And quickly.

It's imperative that if you believe you are dealing with an instance of parental alienation that you seek legal assistance promptly to protect your rights and the well-being of your child or children.

If you have any questions about the information we have set out above or have a personal issue which you want to discuss with us, please don’t hesitate to contact usat NVDB Attorneys.

We are a law firm that considers honesty to be core to our business. We are a law firm that will provide you with clear advice and smart strategies - always keeping your best interests at heart!

(Sources used and to whom we give thanks – Awareness.org;The Conversation; Divorce Laws;Family Laws; Stats SA and Richard A. Gardner).

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